Beat Me With a Stick
(No Doubt – Sunday Morning)

(staring into the camera)
I've made a huge mistake.

2 things I’ve dropped in the toilet in the last month other than feces and urine…

1) My cell phone.
2) My contacts case.

I had to wash, Lysol, wipe down with alcohol and quarantine them for a few days afterwards.

I’ve been somewhat of a klutz and absentminded lately. Yesterday I got to work and realized I had left my laptop at home. On my way home to get my laptop, I bit my lip munching on my BLT bagel. Bleeding profusely while driving, I nearly hit a bird that was pecking away at something on the road. While swerving to avoid the bird, I smeared mayo all over my cheek.

I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s because Mars is getting closer to Earth.
...

Shaky is contemplating speaking in third person from now on because speaking in first person is a bit self-absorbed. Shaky hates people who are self-absorbed. Nicknames are also self-absorbed, but if Shaky reveals his real name, Shaky might have to beat off all the women who are stalking him, with a stick.
...

Who am I kidding? I am self-absorbed. If I weren’t, I would’ve forgone putting gel into my faux Mohawk; gave my car away to a stranger this morning; walked to work without complaining about how my knees ached; walked into the HR manager’s office and told them I want to work for them for free from now on; and then proceeded to be everyone in the office’s bitch by helping them with their work. Actually, that last part is true, I’m already everyone bitch. God, I gotta grow a spine and learn how to say no when people ask me for help.

NO!
...

I’m rambling today.